Claiming Back Our Right to Feel Anger in Midlife
If you’ve been feeling more irritable lately — snapping at the small stuff, resenting the things you used to just tolerate — you’re not alone.
You might call it frustration. Annoyance. Being “a bit short.” But here’s the thing:
You’re probably angry.
Not irrational. Not hysterical. Not hormonal.
Just angry.
And you might have every right to be.
The trouble is, many of us were never taught how to feel anger — let alone express it. As girls, we were told to be polite, agreeable, and accommodating. We internalised the belief that “good girls” don’t get angry. And so we learned to suppress it, to mask it with a smile, or to turn it inward.
But now, in midlife — when the load is heavier, the tolerance is lower, and the truth is harder to ignore — that anger is rising.
And maybe it’s time we stopped apologising for it.
We Weren’t Taught to Honour Anger — We Were Taught to Suppress It
Many of us — particularly Gen X and late Millennials — were raised in cultures that conditioned us to be accommodating, pleasant, and agreeable. Conflict was to be avoided. Feelings that made others uncomfortable were to be hidden. Anger, in particular, was not ours to claim.
We saw what happened when women were angry: they were labelled difficult, bitchy, crazy, on their period. We learned to swallow it down, to smile through it, to internalise it. We learned that to be liked was to be quiet, and to be quiet was to be safe.
No wonder so many women I work with struggle with assertiveness. When we explore healthy, direct communication, they often worry they’re being too much. They say things like, “I don’t want to come across as aggressive.”
But what’s really happening is this: generations of gendered conditioning have taught us to fear our own power.
This Isn’t Just Hormones — It’s a Midlife Awakening
It’s easy to dismiss a midlife woman’s anger as hormonal — and yes, perimenopause and chronic stress can contribute to emotional intensity and regulation challenges. But we do ourselves a disservice when we reduce our rage to biology alone.
Midlife often brings with it a deep, unavoidable reckoning.
We see the weight we’ve been carrying: the mental load, the emotional labour, the unfair distribution of care. We feel the impact of decades spent putting others first, of trying to hold it all together. We begin to notice just how much we’ve tolerated — at work, in relationships, in society — just to keep the peace.
There’s a reason that anger starts to rise in midlife.
It’s not a malfunction. It’s a message.
Anger Is Not the Enemy — Disconnection Is
We’ve been taught to fear anger. But anger itself isn’t bad. It’s a human emotion — a sign that something matters, that something feels unjust, that a boundary has been crossed.
When honoured and understood, anger can be incredibly constructive. It can fuel assertiveness, self-advocacy, creativity, change. But when anger is denied or suppressed, it doesn’t just disappear. It turns inward.
Unexpressed anger can become self-criticism, shame, and even self-hatred. We punish ourselves for feeling what we were never allowed to express. And once again, the system that taught us not to be angry wins.
So What Do We Do With All This Anger?
We reclaim it.
We learn to feel it without shame. To name it honestly. To express it in ways that are intentional and aligned with who we are — not in ways that harm, but in ways that honour truth and restore balance.
This might look like:
Saying no without apology
Setting boundaries even when it’s uncomfortable
Advocating for yourself at work or home
Noticing the stories you carry about being “too much”
Making space for anger in your journal, your therapy, your relationships
Letting yourself rage in private — in the car, in writing, on a walk, in your own fierce breath
You don’t have to perform calmness. You don’t have to pretend you’re not affected. You don’t have to keep swallowing what is slowly breaking you down.
You’re Not Broken for Feeling Angry
This is not a sign that you’ve lost control.
This is the sign that you’re coming back to yourself.
Anger can be a powerful doorway to clarity. It can show you what’s not working. It can remind you of what matters. It can help you see, often for the first time in years, your own worth.
My own midlife has been shaped by this exact journey — unlearning the shame around anger, and learning how to honour it in ways that feel true to who I am. And it’s still a practice. But it’s one that has reconnected me with my voice, my needs, and my values.
There is so much we’ve been told not to feel. But anger deserves a seat at the table. Because when we stop being afraid of it, we start reclaiming our power.
Let it speak.
Let it teach.
And when you’re ready — let it move you.